I recently had the opportunity to speak with Craig Cohen about patience on the Houston Matters radio show. I’ve been a fan of the show for a while, and it was an incredible experience to meet Mr. Cohen and put a face to the voice.
If you are interested in listening to it, here is a link to the episode. The patience section begins around 15 minutes into the show.
I had a few days to prepare and being a good psychologist, I did a quick review of the relevant psychological literature. I intended to mention more of this on the show but didn’t quite have time. However, information may be helpful, so I decided I would share it on our blog.
So, what is patience?
An author who has thoroughly examined the topic of patience is Dr. Sarah Schnitker. Dr. Schnitker defines patience as “the propensity of a person to wait calmly in the face of frustration, adversity, or suffering (2012).”
What do we know about patience and its effects on us?
Some studies have identified a link between patience and overall life satisfaction, self-compassion, and self-determination. Studies have also found that patient people tend to be more empathetic and compassionate with themselves and others.
Additionally. there is a strong inverse relationship between patience and depression. Meaning that the more patience one has, the less likely they are to be depressed.
Is patience something that can be learned or improved?
In short- yes! Schnitker and her team developed a scale to measure patience. They also developed a training program designed to increase participants’ patience. The program consisted of four thirty-minute sessions. These sessions focused on mindfulness meditation, CBT, emotional awareness, and emotional regulation techniques. (Side note: All of the psychotherapists here at Houston Therapy have been trained in these methods and can help you with them).
They found significant and important effects for teaching people patience. People who took the training program had more positive affects (joy, happiness), better emotional regulation and less depression. These positive results of the program were still evident in some participants after a month’s follow-up.
How do I get more patience?
Using the research and my own clinical experience, I have come up with these steps to help with patience:
Identify when you are having trouble with patience. Name the emotion.
This first step is key. You must be aware that you are growing impatient before you can try to do anything about it. Next, identify how you are feeling. For example, frustrated, scared, lonely, hungry, etc. Simply naming the emotion can be a helpful step in emotional regulation.
Reframe how you think about the situation
Staying focused on your frustration about waiting or not getting what you want is not going to help. Reframe the thoughts and the situation in a more helpful way.
For example, the thoughts, “Ugg, I hate traffic! I’m going to be so late!” may be true, but they are not helpful. Reframe the situation by focusing on the positive: “I’m stuck here; at least I get to finish this episode of my favorite podcast.”
3. Accept what you can’t control. Take action on the things you can influence.
The DBT concept of Radical Acceptance is helpful in these circumstances. We have very little control over most things we must be patient about. Using the traffic example above, the person can not control the traffic or make the traffic jam go away.
They can, however, accept they are stuck in traffic. Next, they thought, “ok, what can I do about my situation? Stay mad, or listen to a podcast and make the best of it.” Focusing on what is outside of our control and how annoyed or frustrated we are with it is not helpful.
Think about it with larger goals and purpose in mind.
Take a step back from the situation and think about your larger goals. If you are stuck in traffic, reflect on where you are going and why you are going there. Sure, you might be late, but is it going to be helpful for you to arrive angry, frustrated, and stressed out?
How can I approach this with more empathy and compassion?
Having more empathy and compassion for others and for yourself is a great way to regain and increase patience. Is there a way you can think about the situation with more empathy?
For example, instead of being angry at the slow driver who cut you off in traffic, you can think that maybe that person is not driving well because they are ill. Or perhaps they just got fired or broken up with and are very distracted.
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