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Writer's pictureCatherine Comiskey, LCSW

Understanding the Emotional Undercurrents of the Holiday Season

Updated: 7 days ago


The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, beneath the surface of holiday cheer, many people experience complex emotional dynamics. These emotions can range from heightened stress and anxiety to deep feelings of longing or even resentment. While the holidays offer opportunities for connection and reflection, they can also stir up unconscious feelings rooted in our past experiences, family dynamics, and cultural expectations.


Understanding the psychodynamics of the holiday season—how unconscious forces shape our emotional responses—can help us navigate this time of year with greater awareness and emotional resilience. In this post, we’ll explore the psychological dynamics that come into play during the holidays and offer suggestions for how to manage them in a healthy way.


1. The Family Dynamic: Revisiting Childhood Roles


For many, the holidays are an inevitable return to family gatherings, where old dynamics are revived. These family gatherings can trigger memories of past experiences and reawaken long-standing emotional patterns.


- The Return of Childhood Roles: As adults, we may find ourselves slipping back into the roles we played in childhood—whether it’s the “caretaker,” the “troublemaker,” the “perfect child,” or the “black sheep.” These roles are often unconscious but powerful, influencing how we behave and react to family members during the holidays.


- Unresolved Family Issues: If there are unresolved conflicts or wounds from childhood—such as emotional neglect, abandonment, or overprotection—these can resurface when we return home for the holidays. We may find ourselves repeating old patterns of behavior, whether it’s getting caught in arguments with siblings or feeling an overwhelming need for approval from our parents.


- Navigating Family Dynamics: Understanding that these roles and dynamics are unconscious can help us approach them with greater awareness. Rather than reacting out of old emotional patterns, we can choose to engage more consciously, setting boundaries where necessary and acknowledging the ways in which we’ve grown and changed.


2. Expectations vs. Reality: The Pressure to Be Happy


The holiday season is often steeped in cultural and social expectations of joy, togetherness, and celebration. Whether it’s through social media, movies, or advertisements, we are bombarded with images of “perfect” holiday moments. These societal expectations can create a significant psychological burden, especially if our reality doesn’t align with these ideals.


- The "Holiday Myth": Many people feel pressure to create an idyllic holiday experience—decorating the home, buying the perfect gifts, cooking elaborate meals, and creating joyful memories. This idealized image can lead to disappointment or frustration when things don’t live up to our expectations, creating a sense of inadequacy or failure.


- The Discrepancy Between Ideal and Real: This discrepancy can trigger feelings of shame or guilt, as individuals may feel like they’re not living up to the “norm” of what the holidays should look like. If someone is grieving, going through a tough time, or dealing with financial strain, the contrast between these cultural ideals and personal reality can feel especially painful.


- Managing Expectations: A helpful approach is to acknowledge that it’s okay for the holidays to be imperfect or even difficult. Giving yourself permission to experience the holidays in a way that reflects your current emotional reality can help release the pressure. This may include scaling back on expectations, focusing on the relationships that matter most, and accepting that not every holiday moment will be picture-perfect.


3. Grief and Loss: The Shadow Side of the Holidays


For many people, the holiday season is a reminder of absence—whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the absence of a family member due to estrangement, or the mourning of past holiday traditions. Grief can surface powerfully during this time of year, creating an emotional undertow that can be difficult to manage.


- The Loss of Loved Ones: For those who have experienced the death or estrangement of a loved one, the holidays can bring up intense feelings of grief and longing. The absence of that person at family gatherings, the empty chair at the dinner table, or the missed conversations can be overwhelming and painful.


- The Loss of Idealized Traditions: Sometimes, grief isn’t just about the loss of a person but also about the loss of idealized traditions. Many people have nostalgic memories of past holidays, often associated with family, love, and belonging. When these traditions change—due to divorce, the aging of family members, or shifts in family dynamics—there can be a profound sense of loss, even if there isn’t a tangible death.


- Navigating Grief During the Holidays: Acknowledging grief, rather than suppressing it, is essential during the holiday season. Creating space to mourn and honor these losses, whether through rituals, conversations, or quiet reflection, can help integrate these emotions in a healthy way. It’s also important to allow yourself permission to experience joy alongside grief, as both emotions can coexist.


4. The Gift-Giving Conundrum: Unconscious Motivations


Gift-giving is often a central part of holiday celebrations, but it can also carry psychological weight. The act of giving and receiving gifts can reveal unconscious desires, motivations, and expectations. Psychologically, the way we approach gift-giving can be deeply connected to our need for validation, love, and attachment.


- The Pressure to Give the "Perfect" Gift: Many people feel anxiety about giving the perfect gift—something that will express their love or appreciation in the most meaningful way. This pressure can stem from unconscious fears of not being loved or valued enough, and the gift itself becomes a way to compensate for these fears.


- Gift-Giving as a Power Dynamic: In some relationships, gifts can also take on a more complex, power-related meaning. For instance, gift-giving might represent an unconscious attempt to control or "buy" affection, or it could reflect a desire to be seen as generous or caring. In these cases, the gift becomes more about the giver’s emotional needs than the recipient’s.


- Healthy Gift-Giving: Recognizing that gift-giving is an expression of care and love—rather than a performance or means of validation—can help alleviate anxiety. Shifting the focus from material perfection to emotional connection can create a more grounded and authentic exchange.


5. Holiday Stress: The Role of Overfunctioning


For some, the holidays can be a time of overwhelming stress due to the added pressure of responsibilities—shopping, cooking, hosting, and managing family dynamics. This sense of overfunctioning can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. This often stems from an unconscious need for control or a fear of rejection if we don’t meet the expectations of others.


- Overfunctioning as a Defense: People who take on too many tasks or feel compelled to "do it all" may be unconsciously trying to manage feelings of inadequacy or anxiety. Overfunctioning becomes a way to avoid the discomfort of vulnerability, creating a sense of control amid chaotic or emotionally charged situations.


- The Need for Boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries during the holidays is key. It’s okay to say no, delegate responsibilities, and ask for support when needed. Recognizing that you don’t have to “do it all” allows you to be more present and emotionally available during the holidays, without sacrificing your well-being.


Navigating the Emotional Terrain of the Holidays


The holiday season is a time filled with emotional complexity. The psychological undercurrents of the season—shaped by family dynamics, expectations, grief, and unconscious needs—can evoke a wide range of emotions, from joy to stress to sorrow. By recognizing these psychological undercurrents and approaching the season with awareness, we can create space for a more balanced, authentic experience.


Whether you’re navigating family roles, managing grief, or dealing with the pressure to create the perfect holiday experience, remember that it’s okay to feel whatever comes up. Giving yourself permission to honor your emotional reality—whether that’s celebrating or mourning—can help you move through the holidays with greater peace and emotional resilience.



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